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Why I blamed God for my pain

Pain is a terrible thing, but when you have been steeped in the mire of it for your whole life, it becomes a life force of its own. Pain has owned me, had power over me, and commanded me. It has nurtured me and taught me the foundations on which to build my life: suffering, torture, mistrust, hate, revenge, control.


From the time I was very young I was under the grips of pain; it was truly all I ever knew. While all babies only want tender loving care and affection, all I received was hatred and admonishment. How can a little baby not be good enough to be loved? How can a young girl be despised for being a sinner? Yet that was what I was told, day in and day out.

I had to have the sin punished out of me because sin is evil. Yet somehow, no matter how much “correction” I received, I could never be good enough to be loved. However much my parents family and church punished me, it was made clear that not only was it for my own good but because God demanded it. Bible verses were always quoted with punishment to drive the point home that all this was by God’s own will.

There were times when I believed I could please this far away from God of judgment and doom, but for the most part, I gave up the idea there was hope for me to be a good girl. I was inherently evil, born that way, with no hope for salvation. Why bother to even try?

So when they presented me with the option to chose to worship Lucifer instead, who came to me as an angel of light, the choice was obvious. The far away from God who brought me pain or the god who came from the sky and told me he loved me no matter what. I didn’t understand the concept of good vs evil, I only understood I was evil and this god was good.

I began to believe the God of Lies. I believed he was the one true God who loved me, while the punishing God from church hated me. I renounced Jesus easily with those beliefs and never looked back. I worshipped Lucifer and his kingdom because I was told it was the only way out of pain and condemnation. To a young child, logic is what you see displayed in front of you; you don’t have linear thinking.

As I grew older these events and beliefs began to shape the way I saw myself and the world. If I am evil, and God is evil, then the world must be evil. There is no hope to get help or be saved because even those that promise to help you only bring you pain. Therefore, pain is your only friend, so if you can control pain by manipulating the world around you, it’s your only hope of safety.

As I grew into my late teen years I finally had enough of pain, and I was done with life. I continually tried to take my own life with no success. I was desperate to find a place where I could be free of the constant pain of internal torment I felt, but there was no way out. That is when I decided that the only way out was to completely deny God existed. If God no longer existed, I was free to create my own reality, in which I was in complete control.

God became “the universe” a source of power and strength that each of us can draw on. Everyone could be equal under that kind of power and life could be fair. I could be my own boss and no one would ever own me again. I went on a search for power and control through witchcraft and the occult so I could ascend into higher levels of being. I was desperate to control my life, but no matter how hard I tried my life was constantly in a state of chaos. I was out of control.

There was only one thing I knew for sure in my life; I was never, ever going to have anything to do with that “Christian God” or Jesus. Jesus was a liar and a thief and the God of the Christians was evil. He caused all of the pain for my life. He manipulated me to control me and bring me misery. He was hateful, vengeful, and punishing. I vowed to never again allow Him into my life, and I developed a vehement hatred of Christianity.

My hatred for Christianity was so strong that when my 10-year-old son came home with a Bible because he made a Christian friend from our neighborhood, I mocked it and told him to never believe the Bible because it’s full of lies. That is how strongly I was entangled in the devil’s web.

What I didn’t understand all that time was all my pain and torment was never from God. Jesus did not stand by and watch me suffer, nor did God command the church to punish an innocent little girl. The only god that hates me is Lucifer because he has exalted himself as the God of This World. He is not the True God, because he is not eternal. He is a created being who is going to pay a severe price for what he has done to me, and every else like me.

I know it is hard for some people to accept that God is a loving God. They have had their share of pain and suffering and it seems like a God of love wouldn’t allow these things to happen. Especially when it happens to people who clearly don’t deserve it. I could stay in that way of thinking so easily because I have seen more than my fair share of pain. However, I believe that what Lucifer meant for evil, God used for good.

God has used all my pain and suffering over the course of a lifetime to mold and shape me into a strong and courageous warrior for His army. Instead of being kept in slavery to Lucifer, I have been redeemed by the blood of Christ. My story was already written before I was born, but I chose to look at the good of it instead of the bad.

I have a good God who is a loving Father. He did not stop me from being violently perpetrated, but He stood with me in the midst of it and helped me live through to see another day. While the devil would have taken my life or my sanity, Jesus stood in the gap, protecting me in ways I could never understand. My life is valuable to God, but even if He had allowed me to die, that would have never diminished my value to Him.

We cannot always understand the ways of God and why the devil has run rampant in our lives but we have to learn to trust in Jesus anyway. If we could understand God and why things happen the way they do, then we would be missing out on valuable opportunities for spiritual growth. We would not boast in our weakness as we learn to rely fully on God, but instead, we would shun him, taking up His place on the throne of our heart. What kind of life would that be?

I have come a long way from that little wounded girl who hated God, but before I could heal I had to first acknowledge that the poor little girl who was so hurt was still inside of me. I had to be gentle with her, giving her a lot of grace as I tried to understand that I still had a lot of anger at God for what happened to me. We all have wounds that we have carried around inside of us for a lifetime, and it is time to stop ignoring them and start giving them over to Jesus.

Jesus wants to carry us through a season of despair while we allow Him to shine a light on our hidden inner worlds where we have cultivated hatred of God. Not everyone has one, but many, many people do, and God is not mad at them for it. I know, because when I finally came face to face with the truth that as a Christian I still had hatred for God, I also came face to face with enough grace and mercy to cover all of my sins.

God is not mad at you. He loves you. He is a good Father. He is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and patience. He has been walking with you through all of this in unseen ways because His Spirit has been nurturing your spirit. Come home to the Father’s love and let Him wash you in the healing balm of His grace. It’s time.

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Drugs Alcohol Psychics and Ouija Boards

Psychics or people with intuitive abilities are often incredibly sensitive. When we head onto the spiritual path, we wake up, we gain clarity, we become more connected to spirit. But on a daily basis alcohol and drugs can impair your connection with your internal guidance. It also can cause you to let down your guard and be susceptible to other entities. Many, many spiritual leaders and psychics have repeatedly carried the message that alcohol and drugs can interfere with psychic abilities and in fact can cause a form of possession.

Ouija Boards can be effective in connecting to the other side, but the real issue comes from how they originated. There are lots of dark magic tied to them, and they were used in very dark rituals. As these became tools of the darker forces they tried to get these dark magic tools into the hands of the public so people that didn't know what they were doing could conjure up darker spirits. People were unintentionally drawing in these spirits and strengthening the low vibrational beings  and making spiritual ascension much harder. Now these boards can be found in the gaming isle of most stores, and children, who are some of the most "intuitively open" beings have access to these tools. Ouija Boards are not toys and should only be used by those who absolutely know what they are doing.

When you bring a spirit forward using the Ouija Board, good or bad, you are opening up your space and allowing permission for it to exist. They can be stubborn, and not want to leave. These beings on the other side want to be heard, so they will "rush" the opportunity the Ouija Board provides. These beings generally reside in spirit, and not physically, and can intend to cause harm either by their own will, or implanting ideas in those around them by using a physical being to do "their" work. 

It is not just Ouija boards. There seems to be an epidemic especially among the young people of this generation being possessed or having entities attached to their etheric bodies. Any number of things can bring this type of attachment about such as drugs or alcohol. People diagnosed as having psychosis, who say they see or hear spiritual beings, all stem from addictions that open their personal space to the other side. Often this is written off as bipolar or depression, and treated with drugs that only make things worse. It seems like dark forces are preying on the young now more than ever.

A person going through such a crisis sometimes has been chosen as a natural medium by the spirit realm for a message that needs to be communicated to the physical world. Mental disorder, behavioral disorder of all kinds, signal the fact that two obviously incompatible energies have merged into the same field. These disturbances result when the person does not get assistance in dealing with the presence of the energy from the spirit realm. Heavy dosing with anti-psychotic drugs compounds the problem and prevents the integration that could lead to soul development and growth in the individual who has received these energies.

When someone is suffering in this manner their eyes are different, their facial complexion, their demeanour is different. They lose weight, their hands shake, their personality changes, they're paranoid, they're unreliable.

This person had insecure financial income in their life, they worked hard but their finances were going backwards, causing great stress and anxiety which led to doctors, drugs, self medicating and alcohol. They said they  'knew when they were there' (the bad people) because the person they were talking to would suddenly turn their head and look at them sideways. That's when they had to pretend to carry on as normal while planning a quick escape. They said they were followed everywhere, towns, cities, states. There was nowhere safe from the bad people. This person was already sensitive to the other side and now the other side had exploded into their world. They became very unstable. 
Deliverance is through Jesus Christ. Forget formulas and simply seek God’s presence. There are no magical formulas to use to conjure up miracles. Instead, miracles happen whenever you welcome God’s powerful presence into the situations you face. So don’t worry about trying to pray perfect prayers to convince God to do something miraculous in your life. Simply invite God to work in every situation in which you’re seeking miracles, and trust Him to do what’s best after you ask Him to intervene.

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